More Than an Oyster...

I'm reading this book, "Loving Frank" by Nancy Horan. The short summary is its historical fiction about Frank Lloyd Wright and his mistress, Mamah Borthwick. It takes place around the turn of the century, so there is a lot of early feminism in the story, as it is told from the woman's point of view. The title of this post is from a quote in the book by Charlotte Perkins Gilman: "It is not enough to be a mother. An oyster is a mother." This book has prompted a variety of thoughts to come bubbling up which of course I will now share with you, whether you actually wanted to know them or not! I guess if you didn't want to know them you wouldn't be reading my blogs anyway.

So, first of all it may surprise you that I actually know a thing or two about Charlotte Perkins Gilman to begin with. She is someone I studied very closely in my Women's History class in college. Have you ever read, or seen the movie version of, "The Yellow Wallpaper"? It's totally insane, literally. It's about a woman who goes crazy essentially because she is forced into being what society and American culture said a woman ought to be, basically a brainless individual with no ability to think for herself. I did a big paper on Gilman my senior year that, if I recall, was actually pretty good. Of course I don't remember much about it as my brain cells have moved on to more pragmatic ways of thinking. But I was quite influenced in my college years to lean a bit towards feminism. I read "The Feminist Mystique" and loved it (don't ask me why, I don't remember at all!). Perhaps I was just reacting to what I felt was a hopeless situation in my then-engaged-relationship, and was looking for some sort of empowerment. In spite of any new thinking I may have been harboring, I know I still intended one day to marry, have kids, and stay at home with said kids. So I guess I was never much of a feminist at all.

I am finding this book incredibly frustrating on a number of levels. It is an interesting and entertaining read overall, and I am anxious to finish it and see what the outcome is. What frustrates me is that here is this woman, Mamah, who is married with two children who she claims to love fiercely. Yet she totally abandons them in an effort to be true to herself and her love for Frank Lloyd Wright. I can understand to a degree the collapse of her marriage, but she speaks of how it breaks her heart to see how her affair has affected her children, how she misses holding them, the daily contact she had with them when she was at home. And yet she does nothing, she continues on her path of self-discovery and fulfillment, in spite of her acknowledgement of the damage she has done. So many times she has the chance to turn around and do something differently, but she continues on. It seems incredibly selfish to me.

Which makes me realize just how far removed I am from the necessity of a feminist movement. In spite of small inequalities, as an American woman I have basically the whole world at my feet. I have educational and career opportunities that are unlimited. I have an incredibly supportive husband, and the ability to speak my mind. I can vote, I can get birth control or get an abortion if I was so inclined. Mamah Bortwick had none of these things, even the divorce she managed to attain came at an incredible price. But to me, that's just a story in a book, it holds no meaning to me, the struggles and sacrifices that women before me went through to achieve even a measure of equal standing with men. That's probably a similar problem facing many African-American youngsters who can't identify with the Civil Rights Movement because they never had to go to a separate school or eat at a separate lunch counter. I really have no framework for the feminist movement except from a purely historical standpoint. I can nod and say "yes, oh it was awful back then wasn't it? Hmm...terrible, terrible, yes." It doesn't mean a whole lot to me though.

But back to the oysters--I am more than an oyster! Yes, perhaps an oyster is a "mother" in the sense that it produces offspring. (How do oysters produce offspring anyway?) Unlike an oyster, or even an animal, as a human I am capable of LOVING and caring for my offspring. Does an oyster feel? I don't think so! Granted, motherhood doesn't guarantee love for the child. You certainly hear plenty of stories of mothers who fail to bond with their children, or who never wanted the child to begin with, or whatever. I am not one of those mothers! I care deeply about my children and would do just about anything to ensure that they are safe, happy, loved, cared for. That's not to make me sound like I'm so great--I can only thank God for giving me His love to pour out on my kids. It IS my job at this point, and I wouldn't want to be doing anything else! Are there days I want to pull my hair out, days when I feel mad or depressed or frustrated or bored? Heck yes! But I felt that way in any of the jobs I have held in my life--maybe my problem is that I have never found a career or employment that I am passionate about. I don't know any people who have a "perfect" day every day, regardless of what it is they do for a living, that's just not real life! There is always something more fun or exciting or fulfilling you could probably be doing. Then there are those days when it is perfect, when I hold Kendall after her nap and her cheeks are red and she's sucking her fingers and she has that sleep smell about her and we just sit there until she decides its time for a snack. Or when Julia gets really excited about something she's just figured out, or she has made me yet another picture and left it for me on the table--"To Mommy Love Julia". Or just listening to Xavier talk and discover and seeing his cute face and smelling his baby smell and kissing his delicious velvet cheeks. Or when the 3 of them are all playing together and laughing together and loving being with one another...THOSE are perfect days, those are days I would never get if I were in an office and they were in child care. And I know that soon enough they will all be in school and those moments are all that I will have, and I can assure you that if I have any regrets at the end of my life, I WILL NOT regret having devoted my life to mothering.

So to all you Moms out there-stay-at-home or otherwise, you are MORE THAN AN OYSTER! Remember that when you're cutting up your thousandth hot dog or changing your billionth diaper or picking up your child from the babysitter and wishing you hadn't missed that big milestone. Being a mother is a beautiful thing, a God-given thing, and we should embrace it and cherish it, in spite of all the messes (literally and figuratively!) that it may bring.