Well, it certainly has been an interesting week. Who knew that merely considering a short-term missions trip could be so agonizing! I have wrestled with so many different issues this week, and it's sent me on a major roller-coaster ride of emotions. I swear there have been times when I've been like "Ok, I'm going to Uganda" and then the next minute "No way, what am I thinking!" It's ridiculous! I kid you not when I say I was considering rolling a dice--odds were to go, evens were to stay. You know, like a "sign" or something from God. How pathetic! Add to the fact that it's been a source of tension with my husband, and well, it's been a tough week. If nothing else, my faith has been stretched in a way it hasn't been in a LONG time. Kind of like running a marathon after you've been sitting on the couch watching "Dirty Jobs" all month.
Then yesterday at church Tony preached a really tough message about the "scandalous" nature of God's grace, how it goes against our own sense of right and wrong because God will grant salvation to any who seek him. Our sin is no better or worse than anyone elses. It was a really cheery sermon in which John Wayne Gacy was discussed, someone who's bound to cause a few laughs, right? It was one of those times when I thought, you know, it would be SO MUCH EASIER to believe in some other random, generic religion. One that didn't require you to think, one where everything was all black and white, one that was so much less messy. I mean, really! People who aren't believers sometimes claim Christianity (and other religions too) are just made up, because we want something to believe in to make ourselves feel better. But come on, who would make this stuff up? If I were going to make up a religion, it would be a lot prettier and simpler than TRUE Christianity. Now, much of American Christianity tries to be pretty and bland and simple, because we like things easy here in America. If I do go to Africa, I will be really curious to see how a totally different culture embraces and lives out the tenets of Christianity, because I imagine it will be radically different from the way we do it here. Sometimes I wish I could just not think so deeply about stuff, that I could just blow it all off and say "whatever" and live my life and not care. But when it gets right down to it, I'm sure glad I don't live like that, in some kind of spiritual vacuum. The very fact that we struggle I think makes us aware that we are alive inside, that our spirits are alive, and connected to God.
So...more about Africa to come. It's been a very thought-provoking week, but I know its for my own good. Sometimes the medicine just tastes so yucky...
Monday, April 28, 2008
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
"Ooh!" said Susan, "I'd thought he was a man. Is he-quite safe?....
...I shall feel rather nervous about meeting a lion."
"That you will, dearie, and no mistake," said Mrs. Beaver, "if there's anyone who can appear before Aslan without their knees knocking, they're either braver than most or else just silly."
"Then he isn't safe?" said Lucy
"Safe?" said Mr. Beaver. "Don't you hear what Mrs. Beaver tells you? Who said anything about safe? Course he isn't safe. But he's good. He's the King, I tell you."
"I'm longing to see him," said Peter, "even if I do feel frightened when it comes to the point."
From The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe, C.S. Lewis
I always appreciate that dialogue, about Aslan (aka Jesus) being not safe, but good. It reassures me when I am feeling afraid, (which is often!) and I've been needing lots of reassurance lately. You see, I'm considering taking a trip with church to Uganda. Yeah, I know, not exactly a hotbed of stability in the world, right? I've seen one too many movies like "Blood Diamond", seen one too many episodes of ER when they were in Rwanda to believe that Africa is some idyllic place. I would be lying if I said that the possibilities for danger didn't scare me. Disease, roving bands of militia, not exactly the sort of thing that makes you feel comfortable or at ease. If nothing else, though, God is really using even just considering this trip as a way to challenge and stretch my faith. How much more would that be true if I actually went?
The thing is this--if we REALLY believe that God is who he says he is, who we claim he is, then jumping into this type of situation should be a given for us as Christians. I worry about leaving my husband and kids for 11 days--don't I trust God to take care of them? I worry about disease, injury, even death for myself--don't I trust God to take care of me? Is my life more valuable because I am a white, American mom? Now, trust in God does not mean I'm going to stand in the middle of I-80 and pray for him to stop the tractor trailers before they hit me. But this trip is to "go and make disciples"--precisely what we are commanded to do by Jesus himself.
We think we have it all in control here in America. We think that somehow we can prevent bad things from happening if we do x, y and z. But is anywhere in the world really "safe"? And if we are constantly trying to insulate ourselves from pain and difficulty, aren't we limiting what God can do in our hearts, our lives, in the world around us? The fact is, the majority of the world is full of pain and suffering, even in America. We just figure it won't happen to us. And it probably won't, just based on statistics. But God calls us to care for "the least of these", the widows, the orphans, the dispossesed in the world. Surely we can step out of our comfort zone for just a little while to do this, to show God we believe what he says and that we desire to obey him.
I have never felt a "call" to be a missionary. But I have seen the pain around the world and felt the desire to have some sort of impact, small as it may be, on that pain. That may be arrogant, to think that I can do anything to make anyone's life better, 'cause gosh I'm so good at keeping my own ducks in a row. I may or may not go to Uganda, but I do believe that someday I will go somewhere to serve God and do the work of his kingdom. God will use us if we are willing. I think that most of the time we're just not willing. And yes, I realize that the work of God's kingdom is all around me, even here in Laramie. But sometimes I think we use that as an excuse for inaction. It's easy to avoid other people's messy lives here in our "regular" lives. But try that in the middle of a refugee camp somewhere.
This whole thing has stirred up a great pot of anxiety in me, and it's only been since Sunday, three days ago, that I even heard about the trip. There are so many things I fear, including God's disapproval. You know, in spite of being a Christian for 20 years, I still don't feel worthy of God, I still don't feel like I do enough for him to love me, to really love me. That is NOT a reason to go to Africa or anywhere else, to "earn" God's approval. If I didn't acknowledge that as being right there beside my desire to help people and serve him, I'd be a fool. The thought of leaving my kids for that long, well that just makes me sick to my stomach sometimes. But then I think, it's only 11 days, that's not even 2 weeks. And I know that the eternal impact would be so much greater than I could ever imagine. So, I think and think and think, and throw up desperate prayers for guidance.
At any rate, whether I go or not, I pray that God's name would be honored and glorified, and that any of my own mess would be ignored. It's all about him, you know? And honestly, I do want to see and meet God, like Peter--even if I'm scared to death as to what that means, what that will look like.
"That you will, dearie, and no mistake," said Mrs. Beaver, "if there's anyone who can appear before Aslan without their knees knocking, they're either braver than most or else just silly."
"Then he isn't safe?" said Lucy
"Safe?" said Mr. Beaver. "Don't you hear what Mrs. Beaver tells you? Who said anything about safe? Course he isn't safe. But he's good. He's the King, I tell you."
"I'm longing to see him," said Peter, "even if I do feel frightened when it comes to the point."
From The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe, C.S. Lewis
I always appreciate that dialogue, about Aslan (aka Jesus) being not safe, but good. It reassures me when I am feeling afraid, (which is often!) and I've been needing lots of reassurance lately. You see, I'm considering taking a trip with church to Uganda. Yeah, I know, not exactly a hotbed of stability in the world, right? I've seen one too many movies like "Blood Diamond", seen one too many episodes of ER when they were in Rwanda to believe that Africa is some idyllic place. I would be lying if I said that the possibilities for danger didn't scare me. Disease, roving bands of militia, not exactly the sort of thing that makes you feel comfortable or at ease. If nothing else, though, God is really using even just considering this trip as a way to challenge and stretch my faith. How much more would that be true if I actually went?
The thing is this--if we REALLY believe that God is who he says he is, who we claim he is, then jumping into this type of situation should be a given for us as Christians. I worry about leaving my husband and kids for 11 days--don't I trust God to take care of them? I worry about disease, injury, even death for myself--don't I trust God to take care of me? Is my life more valuable because I am a white, American mom? Now, trust in God does not mean I'm going to stand in the middle of I-80 and pray for him to stop the tractor trailers before they hit me. But this trip is to "go and make disciples"--precisely what we are commanded to do by Jesus himself.
We think we have it all in control here in America. We think that somehow we can prevent bad things from happening if we do x, y and z. But is anywhere in the world really "safe"? And if we are constantly trying to insulate ourselves from pain and difficulty, aren't we limiting what God can do in our hearts, our lives, in the world around us? The fact is, the majority of the world is full of pain and suffering, even in America. We just figure it won't happen to us. And it probably won't, just based on statistics. But God calls us to care for "the least of these", the widows, the orphans, the dispossesed in the world. Surely we can step out of our comfort zone for just a little while to do this, to show God we believe what he says and that we desire to obey him.
I have never felt a "call" to be a missionary. But I have seen the pain around the world and felt the desire to have some sort of impact, small as it may be, on that pain. That may be arrogant, to think that I can do anything to make anyone's life better, 'cause gosh I'm so good at keeping my own ducks in a row. I may or may not go to Uganda, but I do believe that someday I will go somewhere to serve God and do the work of his kingdom. God will use us if we are willing. I think that most of the time we're just not willing. And yes, I realize that the work of God's kingdom is all around me, even here in Laramie. But sometimes I think we use that as an excuse for inaction. It's easy to avoid other people's messy lives here in our "regular" lives. But try that in the middle of a refugee camp somewhere.
This whole thing has stirred up a great pot of anxiety in me, and it's only been since Sunday, three days ago, that I even heard about the trip. There are so many things I fear, including God's disapproval. You know, in spite of being a Christian for 20 years, I still don't feel worthy of God, I still don't feel like I do enough for him to love me, to really love me. That is NOT a reason to go to Africa or anywhere else, to "earn" God's approval. If I didn't acknowledge that as being right there beside my desire to help people and serve him, I'd be a fool. The thought of leaving my kids for that long, well that just makes me sick to my stomach sometimes. But then I think, it's only 11 days, that's not even 2 weeks. And I know that the eternal impact would be so much greater than I could ever imagine. So, I think and think and think, and throw up desperate prayers for guidance.
At any rate, whether I go or not, I pray that God's name would be honored and glorified, and that any of my own mess would be ignored. It's all about him, you know? And honestly, I do want to see and meet God, like Peter--even if I'm scared to death as to what that means, what that will look like.
Saturday, April 19, 2008
Spring, maybe???
Well, contrary to my previous entry, today was a day to bask in the beauty of the weather, rather than bemoan it. It actually felt like spring today, like it really, truly was going to stop being winter and move on to the next season. Today is one of those days you just feel happy to be alive, you actually FEEL alive, all the way through. It's like the warm spring sun warms something deep in your soul that has been kind of frozen and hard for the last few months and you remember who God is and that he actually is there! I think winter is bad for my soul, it just makes me feel all dark and foggy inside. Seriously, at least when it drags on for so long. I do love a good snow, and sweatshirts and sweaters are nice and cozy, but my heart just does flip-flops when the weather starts to warm up. When the leaves come out and the grass gets green and flowers start to bloom, well, I am in heaven. Today was a day that made me actually believe it will all happen again. Even though I can look at pictures of my yard from last summer and see the leaves, I can remember swimming in the outside pool with the kids, it still seems far-fetched that spring and summer are actual, real seasons here. But they are, hallelujah, and today was just the beginning!
Of course, one of the best things about warm weather being here has to do with a rather sad and pathetic, well, superstition I guess you'd call it, of mine. See, anytime I drive by a golf course, I look for people playing golf. And if there are people playing golf, well, then I feel an enormous sense of relief. Why, you ask? Well, I think the reason is two-fold. For one, my dad is an avid golfer, and we grew up around him and golf courses, and even as a thirty-five year old, I still feel some weird sense of security attached to golf, because it makes me think of my dad. Some psychiatrist would no doubt have a field day with that one. Secondly, I figure if people are playing golf, things can't be too bad in the world. And today there were TONS of people on the golf course. Sometimes I have to really strain to pick out a golfer, like when the weather starts to get cold. I'm afraid one day I'll have a heck of a time explaining to a police officer why I just hit a tree. "Well, you see, I was trying to see if there were any people playing golf, officer." But there was no trouble today finding people out there enjoying the links and the fine spring day.
So there's another little insight into the weirdness that makes me me. Enjoy spring wherever you are, and watch for golfers, it's sure to make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside! Just for curiousity's sake, what are some weird things that make YOU feel at peace? And I mean out of the ordinary things. I'd love to hear that I'm not the only one who finds comfort in something very particular and odd!
Of course, one of the best things about warm weather being here has to do with a rather sad and pathetic, well, superstition I guess you'd call it, of mine. See, anytime I drive by a golf course, I look for people playing golf. And if there are people playing golf, well, then I feel an enormous sense of relief. Why, you ask? Well, I think the reason is two-fold. For one, my dad is an avid golfer, and we grew up around him and golf courses, and even as a thirty-five year old, I still feel some weird sense of security attached to golf, because it makes me think of my dad. Some psychiatrist would no doubt have a field day with that one. Secondly, I figure if people are playing golf, things can't be too bad in the world. And today there were TONS of people on the golf course. Sometimes I have to really strain to pick out a golfer, like when the weather starts to get cold. I'm afraid one day I'll have a heck of a time explaining to a police officer why I just hit a tree. "Well, you see, I was trying to see if there were any people playing golf, officer." But there was no trouble today finding people out there enjoying the links and the fine spring day.
So there's another little insight into the weirdness that makes me me. Enjoy spring wherever you are, and watch for golfers, it's sure to make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside! Just for curiousity's sake, what are some weird things that make YOU feel at peace? And I mean out of the ordinary things. I'd love to hear that I'm not the only one who finds comfort in something very particular and odd!
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