Spare the rod...

I've been thinking a bit about discipline and my children lately, more than usual I guess. Part of it is that I have suddenly become appalled by my children's behavior--I usually consider them very well behaved, but for some reason (maybe the Christmas season?) they seem to have lost all manner of, well, manners. I also have been reading the Little House on the Prairie series with Julia, and it has made me wonder about some things.

Obviously, in our modern age there is a great deal of new thinking and psychology regarding raising children. Theories come and go, and I would generally say that most debunk ideas of the past, claiming that such and such behavior is "damaging" to a person and will ruin their chance of being a functioning adult. I think we would all agree that any form of abuse, verbal or otherwise, would fall into this type of category. There are other, more debatable topics such as spanking, where people differ regarding the harm/helpfulness of such parenting strategies. I would say that most parents just want their kids to turn out happy and responsible, thinking of others before themselves. But I wonder sometimes if we try too hard to make them happy, to the point where they don't think of anyone but themselves, and have a hard time functioning in the real world where no one cares if they are happy or not.

Looking back at the Little House books, discipline was very strict--for example, Laura feels ashamed for "grumbling" about how unpleasant her boarding situation is in "These Happy Golden Years." These are the times of "children should be seen and not heard", and it seems very antiquated when we read these types of stories. And yet Laura Ingalls does not sound exactly miserable--she loves her parents and truly respects them, and they obviously love her. Indeed, being home with her family is really her favorite place to be. Things may have been strict, yes, but it does not appear to have been harmful to her well-being. Someone brought up the Duggar family today--you know, the one with 18 kids and counting? Being from a very strict, fundamentalist Christian sect their standards of discipline probably line up pretty well with the standards of pioneer times. Those kids seem to be happy. (I wonder though...the thing that drives me nuts about that family is that everyone seems nauseatingly happy) We talk all the time in Christian circles about how God disciplines those he loves...maybe we really do crave discipline and order to make us happy?

Its so hard to say--parenting is the one thing you really don't want to screw up. You look at other people and judge their kids or envy them--we're very good at seeing others faults or imagining that they never make mistakes. (For instance, I have a hard time picturing Angelina Jolie yelling at her kids. Seeing evidence of that would be a very reassuring thing.) We don't necessarily expect to be perfect parents, but we certainly don't want to be the worst either. Sometimes I wonder if I have been too hard on my kids, especially my oldest. I think that we are more strict and structured than a lot of people are these days. Then I see other kids who are out of control and I think I am doing ok. But lately, I've been noticing behavior in my home that makes me think I need to take it up a notch in regards to discipline. They are rude and noisy at the dinner table, for example. Julia has also been exceptionally greedy and selfish lately, which may be a result of the holidays and birthday season she has just gone through, where she has been inundated with more, more more. Kendall, well, she's out there in a whole other world sometimes and the behavior she shows me is often very disrespectful. Xavier, at almost two, is starting to push the envelope as well. What do you do? I don't want my kids to be scared of me, but I also don't want someone who could end up on "My Super Sweet Sixteen" either.

I don't have any answers to these questions, that's for sure. But I will finish up by saying that I do think we tend to let our children get away with WAY more than we ought to sometimes. I don't know where this comes from necessarily, for some it may be a reaction to a very strict upbringing, for others its a soft heart (read: pushover), and sometimes its just because you love them so much you want to see a smile on their face, even if its not for a good reason. I think though, it goes back to that "God disciplines those he loves" thing. If we do love our children, we need to remember 1: we are the adult, and that gives us certain privileges. 2: we do know better (or ought to!) than a 3 year old and 3: ultimately, raising respectful, polite, well-behaved kids is going to make life better for them in the long run. Letting kids get away with murder as a kid is not benefiting anyone in the future.